<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Dead Braincell Cemetery by LoudSymphony, Tabby_Shieldmaiden</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26988622">Dead Braincell Cemetery</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoudSymphony/pseuds/LoudSymphony'>LoudSymphony</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabby_Shieldmaiden/pseuds/Tabby_Shieldmaiden'>Tabby_Shieldmaiden</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Transformers: Prime</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Casual character death, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, IN SPACE!, Not Beta Read, Screen Reader Friendly, Space Battles, not sorry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:13:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,277</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26988622</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoudSymphony/pseuds/LoudSymphony, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabby_Shieldmaiden/pseuds/Tabby_Shieldmaiden</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When two people who should be studying but are busy slacking off get a terrible idea, things like this happen. Behold, a grand crack fic involving ocs, potentially OOC characterisations, and possibly bad writing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dead Braincell Cemetery</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay, first off, I would like to thank you guys for even giving this story a chance. I'm not usually a crack writer, but I would love to write more silly stories. And what better fandom to write something stupidly silly but fun in than the Transformers? Anyways, I hope you guys like this, this first chapter was cranked out in an evening by Loud and I. And I hope you stick around. - Tabby</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the distant stars, far away from the rusted husk of Cybertron's surface, a lone beacon radiates through the cosmos. And with its waves, it carries a message. One spoken with the voice of a Prime… </p><p>"To all Autobots receiving this message, I am your leader, Optimus Prime. I come to you now with a message. We have formed an Autobot stronghold on a distant planet. From wherever you may be among the stars, I urge you now to join us and rebuild our forces, so we can drive back the Decepticon menace and take back our world."</p><p>
  <em> bzzzt. </em>
</p><p>"Hey. You hear that, hotshot? Think I know the next place we can crash at." a bouncy voice would buzz through Xpress' comms. Underneath his battle mask, Xpress grinned. It has been so long since he last heard that familiar booming voice of the Prime, he had almost forgotten what he used to sound like. </p><p>"Loud and clear, Burnout. Unfortunately, you might have to tell him that we'll be late. Found a few Decepticons down in this old Energon reserve, and I'm not sure if the big boss would appreciate returning with Decepticons on our rear." he replied. He would begin twirling his nunchucks around his shoulders, trying to intimidate the few grunts that decided that they wanted a faceful of steel in their metal cranium. </p><p>The Decepticons crowded around him. All of them poking around, looking left and right, searching for any openings. If Xpress were to slip up, they’d come at him like a raft of otters to a piece of fish. But Xpress is our good boy protagonist, so he won't slip up. Unless it’s for plot reasons, of course! But not this time. He feints a strike towards the grunt right in front of him, causing that poor lad to recoil backwards, utterly shooketh that a baton almost bashed his pretty face in. Then, he detached his nunchucks before spinning in place as plasma projectiles ejected from each end of his batons, catching each one completely by surprise. </p><p>Before long, the entire place was filled with Decepticon mooks who were all like x_x. And Xpress was all like &gt;:). It was now time for him to leave. He had a planet to get to, and hopefully, repopulate ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).</p><p>“May Solus Prime bless me with a lovely waifu upon my return,” he said to himself. Unfortunately, he said it to himself a tad bit too loud. A loud, extremely forced 'AHEM!' would vibrate through Xpress' receiver, dragging him away from his little questionable fantasy. </p><p>"Well uh, next time you want some time to yourself, please mute the comms. I reeeally didn't need to hear that." Burnout says, discomfort lining through his voice. While he preferred seating his ass on the pilot seat and obsessing over his ship, Xpress' habit of audibly voicing out his one true desire made him wish Xpress was a Decepticon. At least then, whenever he talked about his dreams of having a waifu, it would not be his problem.</p><p>“Sorry, Burnout. It’s just that… it’s been so long since we made contact with a femme, you know?” According to legend, the only reason why they even had femmes in the first place was because they were all descendants of Solus Prime. This made it so that, no matter what, femmes would always be in the minority. It was a very frustrating fact, for many different people for many different reasons.</p><p>But for Burnout, he thought differently. His one goal in life was arson. That's it. Arson. It just so happened that burning down Decepticon installations were much more satisfying than burning down Autobot ones. Hell, he even had incendiary armaments that probably amounted to a dozen war crimes just by using it on a building alone. But who cares; they're Decepticons! They're bad guys, and it's not like they care about war crimes either, right? "We're in a war for Cybertron, not a crusade to find yourself the perfect babymaker. Get back to the ship with whatever Energon you got, it should be enough for a one-way ticket to whatever rock Optimus holed up in." </p><p>“Come on, I’m allowed to fantasise about whatever I want. Who knows, maybe on that planet I could find someone hot.”</p><p>“That’s highly unlikely, Xpress. We’re probably only gonna run into Cybertronians, and no one else. Optimus Prime is smart about his strategies, and he wouldn’t just choose a planet filled with inhabitants for us to congregate on.”</p><p>"Hrrgh, but hot alien babes-" </p><p>A long, dragged out groan would fill his audio receptors, nearly rendering him deaf. "Alright, alright, I get it. Fine. We'll rendezvous at this spot, meet me halfway. My chassis ain't built for the long haul." Xpress says. He immediately transformed into his vehicle mode; a hover car with fins at its edges, the sleek profile of his blue frame very much resembling a supercar. With a wagon of glowing blue Energon cubes towed to his bumper, he would drive away from the caves where he utterly wrecked the Decepticon grunts and towards their agreed meeting point. </p><p>"Gotcha. Make sure you don't get any rocks in your tailpipe." he tossed a remark before pressing a few buttons on his ship. His white shoebox of a frigate would slowly hover away from the ridge it was parked beside before launching into the skies.</p><p>Thankfully, the weather on the planet was good. It was, for the most part, a weatherless planet. The only strange weather phenomenon which happened was when the sky decided to rain fish, and the sky was not in that sort of mood that day. So they managed to meet up in no time. The white shoebox would slowly descend from the skies, landing down on the fairly barren, sandy plains. The ship's doors would then lower itself, as a hulking brute of an Autobot would emerge from the ship. He was built like an upside-down ketchup bottle with the colors to boot, with only a few black streaks across his shiny crimson forearms and shins. His hands were also disproportionately large compared to his boots, which would make any bot wonder how was it that he was even capable of flying a ship. His face had that snarky grin stretched across one audio receiver to another, which was on full display as he watched the comparatively smaller Xpress struggle to haul all that Energon. "Need a little help there, buddy?" </p><p>“Nah, I’ve got it,” he grunted. But after five minutes, it was very clear that he, in fact, did not got it. And it wasn’t just because he was puny and twinkish and smol. But also because right then and there, the sky decided that it was fish time.</p><p>From above, dozens of different species of fishes fell to the ground. Some big, some small, all of them making it difficult for one skinny boi to load up all that energon up into the ship. This was all while Burnout was simply watching at the side, cackling internally as he watched his partner toil away at the wagon, trying to pull the loot up the ramp while being constantly pelted by fish. Xpress would most definitely feel a menacing, smug aura radiating from Burnout's form, to the point where he hallucinated his voice, his audio receptors now being filled with a single word. </p><p><b>"Weaaak…" </b>Xpress groaned. He wasn’t a weakling. For Primus’ sake, he was helping to fight a damn war! So he heaved once more, and pulled up the energon into the ship. Once on, he transformed out of vehicle mode, and pulled out one single goldfish which had gotten trapped in his plating. He tossed it outside, then faced Burnout with a serious look. </p><p>“Okay, let's never speak of this to anyone about this. Ever.” He wouldn’t want to kill any potential chance of getting together with a lady of his own. Burnout would simply shrug, a smug smile morphing on his face. If he's going to handle Xpress' shenanigans, by Primus, he will tease him for it. It made working with him a little bit more bearable. Xpress would frown at his partner, turning away as he dragged the wagon behind him. Compared to Burnout, he was much smaller, the very tip of his knight-like crown only barely reaching Burnout's chin. He was also much more lean with fairly proportionate features. Though, the amount of spikes and shard-like protrusions on his pauldrons made him look much more like a Decepticon. If only he didn't have a baby face that no bot could ever take seriously. And of course, on his back were door plates that much resembled the wings of a dragonfly. He probably had that on because he thought the extra edge would make him <em> aerodynamic. </em> Sadly, like his crimson compatriot, he had to rely on the shoebox to fly. </p><p>“Right then, let’s go. Optimus would be awaiting us.”</p><p>And so they took off. Burnout piloting the shoebox with massive style and grace, and Xpress looking at himself in the mirror, trying his best to make himself look like he had style and grace.</p><hr/><p>As the shoebox exited the planet's atmosphere, the wipers on the windscreen would swipe the fish away. Who would have thought that fishes live in the sky? Anyway, as Burnout was busy turning levers and pushing buttons, Xpress would be idly stargazing at the co-pilot's seat. He was particularly interested in this one star that appeared to shine brighter by the minute. It also appeared to glow purple. What a beautiful, pretty star. Wait a minute, that's no star… </p><p>"Uh oh, I think a Decepticon ship is coming right for us!" Xpress would exclaim, violently nudging Burnout and causing his face to crash into one of the screens. Alarms blare loudly within the cockpit, filling the interior with a grim red glow. "What the- Are you sure that's a Decepticon?!" </p><p>"Yes! It's purple! And it has that whole edgy aesthetic!" Xpress was 100% right! In fact, he was so right, Bring Me To Life by Evanescence was blasting from the ship. And it was coming up to them, like a creepy guy to a goth girl in a mall.</p><p>The two Autobots immediately kicked into action mode. With Xpress manning the main guns and Burnout maneuvering the ship, they would immediately blast off, trying to weave away from the enemy ship's plasma bullets. As Burnout performed sick smoking extreme radical epic tricks with the shoebox, the enemy Decepticon would hijack the ships' communication channels. "Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide! I shall have your heads for Megatron-senpai!" a female voice cackled within the cockpit. </p><p>“N-nani!?” Went the two of them. They did not expect the pilot to be a femme. But once that fact registered to the two of them, Xpress’ heart immediately went doki-doki. </p><p>“Are you single?” He asked, blasting his voice through the vacuum of space right at the Decepticon ship.</p><p>Everyone on the Decepticon ship was very confused. All Burnout could do was slap his faceplate with his palm. "By the Primes, Xpress! That lady is going to kill us! And she's probably <em> not </em>single! USE THE GUNS!" he roared. This fight would be an easy victory had the enemy pilot been a male. Hell, if Megatron was an anime girl, Xpress would be on his way to becoming one of the highest ranked lieutenants in the Decepticon army. It's a wonder how he got this far as an Autobot. With his titanium-fortified determination, he would shake off the Decepticon pilot with his A-class skills. By that, he actually just started spinning like a Beyblade until the enemy pilot couldn't even tell which direction the shoebox was moving. </p><p>“What in the Universe is going on out there, Ma’am?” Asked one of the Steves on the Decepticon ship. </p><p>“Frag if I know.” She was not used to getting asked out in the heat of battle like that. Even in a race where girls were a minority, most Cybertronians at least managed to respecc wamen as a general rule. However, this minor distraction would be her last mistake. Using Burnout's top tier piloting skills, he would have spun all the way behind her, <em> somehow. </em> Somehow, his ultimate Beyblade technique was simply too confuzzling to understand. Then, he gets ready his ultimate weapon. He punches a big red button with the words <b>ACTIVATE WAR CRIMES </b>written in Comic Sans. "Flame core online." he says as he aimed his shoebox's spinal weaponry at the Decepticon ship. The shoebox would hurl a massive fricking fireball at the ship at mach speed, exploding it in a beautiful display of space arson.</p><p>If it were any other pair of Autobots, their optics would have been fried by that stunning display of arson and war crime. But fortunately, those two were not like other Autobots, because they had modded in sunglasses along with their battlemasks at the start of the war. Some thought that it was a waste. Well, who’s laughing now, <em> Rodimus </em>?</p><p>“I wish we could have at least gotten her number though,” said Xpress. “Ah well, maybe once we become one with the Allspark, she could be a part of my harem.”</p><p>“Yeah, dream on, Xpress,” snarked Burnout. Without another word, he started up the shoebox again, and hit warp speed to try and get to the planet as soon as possible.</p><p>And so, our two absolutely dashing heroes would make their way to Earth, sailing across the cosmos to reunite with their leader. With their trusty ship, the shoebox, they will stand tall against the Decepticon menace in the name of the Autobot cause. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi. Loud here. I just wanted to say hi. Also thank you for suffering through this fic. ~ Loud</p><p>Tags don't scare me anymore because I stared down fandom's abyss and laughed. And I have to admit, the Transformers fandom has some beautiful tags. I hope you enjoy this one, I tried my best to be funny. - Tabby</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>